Thursday, August 24, 2006

End Times Prediction

The following is a prediction of the end of the world along with predicted possible excuses. (source)

A list of excuses Mr. Hawkins can use when the world doesn't end on 9/12/06:

  • "Did I Say 9-12-2006? I meant to say 9-12-2007." (Dave Kriesel)
  • "The war has broken out as I predicted and it's only a matter of time before the missiles will launch. Some day. Soon." (James King)
  • “I write dates in the European fashion, so the date of the end of the world is actually December 9, 2006.” (Brother Mike Bube)
  • "Satan himself intervened and saved the world in a diabolical plot to discredit me." (Dave Gottlieb)
  • "The Lord listened to our prayers and saved us from doom." (David Pescovitz)
  • “The world did end, but God recreated it, so as to give people another chance. Like in Groundhog Day.” (David Bedno)
  • "Thankfully for all you sinners I appealed to God directly via prayer, he heard my plea and has spared you non believers from certain damnation." (Steve)
  • "I said nuculer war, and whether that's happened or not already is none of your business, thank you." (Ben Smart)
  • "There was some shmutz on my Bible. Turns out it really prophecies a breakout of tubular Wii which one third of all humans will cherish." (Dorian Baldwin)
  • “God works in mysterious ways. Still.” (Craig Howard)
  • "It's the terrorists' fault." (Adam Morgan)
  • "President Bush saved the world from terrorism by increasing troop strength in Iraq." (Scott)
  • "I was under a hypnotic spell of that white buffalo on the shelf behind me!" (Harold Hays)
  • "Mr. Hawkins is not available for comment at this time." (Chris Null)
  • "What was I thinking? I forgot the verse that says: 'Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh' (Mat 25:13)" (Christopher M Palmer)
  • “[Darn] you Pat Robertson!” (Tim Slipp)
  • "The missiles did launch on the day in question, but they'll remain in the atmosphere, invisible, just as the second kingdom of Jesus Christ did back when the Jehovah's Witnesses's original prediction didn't pan out." (Wyrd)
  • He's going to follow the same sequence as previous kooks: First, he will wait until September 12 has fully expired around the
    world--maybe up to 48 hours just to make sure. Then, he will say that
    his efforts to publicize the date resulted in increased prayers--and
    the increased prayers will have averted the disaster. He will consider
    his prediction a success. I'm looking forward to this farce being played out once more. (Frank Williams)
  • "It's a miracle! Disaster has been averted through my direct communication with the Lord! However, I fear that disaster will strike soon (perhaps tomorrow!) without your financial support for my work. Send in your faith pledge today!" P.S. - Leon Festinger (one of the giants of social psychology) did some interesting work on a doomsday cult in the 50's in which he infiltrated the cult and investigated what happened when the doomsday prophecy failed. Of course, the failure of the prophecy only further convinced most believers in the vailidity of the prophets (who fed the followers some line about a miracle). It turns out that it takes about three failures before most people abandon the group/prophet. The work is summarized in the book When Prophecy Fails. (Fred)
  • "If it wasn't for all those peace loving liberals getting in the way the world would have ended as we want it too....I mean as it is prophesied to end." (Andersson)
  • "God won't end the world until He finds out who Flava Flav picks to be his honey on The Flava of Love 2." (CG Browning)
  • "I did not say, and no one in my administration has ever said, that the world was going to end" (Robert Spina)
  • "There is an ongoing investigation into why the world did not end on September 12. And I have a policy that I do not comment on an ongoing investigation." (Robert Spina)
  • "There is no consensus in the scientific community that the world has not ended. The jury is still out on that one." (Robert Spina)
  • "All this talk about the world not ending is just more liberal, pre-9/12 thinking." (Robert Spina)
  • "Last night God and I had a powwow. I rescheduled with God because I read this:
    "Deuteronomy 23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD"

    "My urologist wasn't going to be able to check that my stones weren't wounded until the 15th. Thanks be to Satan's HMO's, seeing a specialist can take forever." (Meadowlark Bradsher)
  • "Now that we've averted yet another terrorist plot, we need you to give up even more of your rapidly dwindling freedoms so this can never happen again." (Courtney Silverthorn)

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