Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Sometimes Evil Makes More Sense

Sometimes I think about evil too much. What follows is a bit of a wrestling match with evil thoughts.

evil

It's in each one of us. Evil runs through me all like creeping vines in an untended back yard. It claims then totally blankets the neglected objects I once treasured like my heart and mind and relationships. Pain and life's hurts cause me to forget what is valued, beautiful, spiritual. Evil's clinging, insatiable tentacles have claimed them.

In my mind, when wrapped in evil, thoughts of violent revenge disguise themselves as justice and making things right. As I lay in bed, I'm awake thinking about how to get away with violence. I'll hurt the one that hurt me and the ones I love if only my plan could run free. Evil looks so delicious when I rehearse it in my mind on my bed. 

When my own vengeance is my cause, I'm empowered. I'm vindicated. I'm intoxicated. I'm right. Indulge me. Let me run wild.

Evil is intoxicatingly powerful to a weak man that is mostly powerless to look you in the eye. Evil is reclusive. It ferments and germinates in its human host but is easy to over look. It wants to be ignored so it can seethe and plot. Evil comforts itself by thinking it is creative when it is radically perverted. When turned loose, it destroys, heartlessly, leaving unforgettably ugly scars. Evil's spores germinate, breeding evil in people who are trying to be at peace with the world around them. Evil makes people chuck good. If you can't beat 'em join 'em. It's so easy to let evil win and consume. Evil destroys lives being lived joyfully.

Evil has an inferiority complex and hates love. Evil is like cancer and steals nutrients from its host.

Love heals. Love forgives. Love sets things right without destroying. The only victim of love is evil.

Love overpowers evil. Love is radical but cannot be fully realized until evil is fully exposed. Jesus Christ proved this on the cross when, as He was abused, was heard to say, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."

It's much more convenient to live somewhere in that broad strip of no-man's-land that exists between the boundaries of radical love and unspeakable evil. Convenient but miserable.

Christ's love is the Promised Land realized. It's a place where healing continually refreshes and rebuilds the soul. This is why Jesus prayed, "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." God wants our lives to be the touch point where this takes place. Evil has no place there.

Monday, February 25, 2013

We had plans

3ofus

We knew we were going to be empty nesters at a relatively young age. As Susan and I entered our early forties, our two kids, Charity and Aaron, were already legal adults. So Susan and I started making plans to do something cool for God – something extreme in ministry – in the second half of our lives. We started conversations with a handful of missionary agencies doing serious work in different parts of the world. Some ministries spread the gospel in ports of call around the world from ships. Some ministries worked to repair lives in war zones. Some ministries planted churches in countries closed to the spread of Christianity. Those were the kinds of places Susan and I wanted to work.

I spoke about these things over coffee this morning, and Susan just said, without missing a beat, “we think we have our lives so planned out. Here we are thinking we're going to go out into the mission field to serve God. All of a sudden this happens. You realize that you're not in control. Even when you think you’re totally in control, you’re not.”

We were suddenly put in a situation where it is up to us to raise our granddaughter that is the victim of violence. My granddaughter is hurt badly by her father. She’s got brain damage, she’s a quadriplegic, and needs around-the-clock care. There is no one to save the day but us as ill-equipped as we are.

“God had another mission field for us,” Susan says. “I consider this – taking  care of Allie, giving our lives to this, and how we do it while people watch – our mission field.

I need Susan’s perspective. I often feel like the Lord has sidelined us. I work at a desk. My hands are getting soft. I can hardly leave the house because caring for Allie is a 24/7 gig. We were willing to go anywhere in the world and do anything, but we are here. I thought the biggest sacrifices we’d make would be giving up our suburban life. It turns out, the biggest sacrifice would be to stay in the suburbs and make sure Allie can have the best life possible.

God knows what He's doing even if we don't.

Our relationship with the Lord has changed through all of this. It's entered a new phase. We could never be in this kind of relationship with God if we hadn't gone through what we've gone through. God has walked through it with us every step of the way. We've bonded through this. I don’t just mean Susan and I have bonded through this. Susan and me, and Jesus have bonded through this. That’s’ what happens when people in relationship with one another go through crisis together.

Our relationship has gone further than it's ever gone before. It's gone further than it's ever needed to go. I need different things from God now; a different kind of wisdom; provision for a different kind of patience than I’ve ever needed. I have to believe Him for bigger things now. I have to pray for things I never would have thought to pray for before. I get to watch Him deliver things I have never seen Him give before. I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Writing down the bones

Writing our story has been almost as interesting as reading a new book. I never know what is going to come out when I sit down. I think about this book all day long but I never know what I’m actually going to write until I park my butt in the chair and start to write.
What I wrote tonight was inspired from a friend that has always encouraged me and given great feedback about my writing. Her mind is sharp and reads from your side of things, O, reader, rather than my side as the writer. That’s so helpful for me because I can never get out of my head.
Tonight, as I started to write, the story really got away from me as I tried to think about why Timmy was reluctant to tell his parents that he got my daughter pregnant. I don’t know how he could keep it from his folks that they were grandparents.
I’m not a psychologist so all I can do is speculate as to what the reason could be. So I started to recount different interactions I’ve had with Timmy’s father. I’ve had great conversations with John. And he has been generous to our family on occasion. But the negative interactions have been memorable. And that came out as I typed tonight.
Here’s some of what I wrote:
So why wouldn't Timmy tell his parents why Charity was pregnant? Why didn't Timmy tell his parents that there was a baby after Allie was born? What must it felt like to be them when Charity brought that baby to their doorstep?
When John heard that Allie was in a coma and his son was in jail charged with child abuse, he was distraught. He shrieked at me, "I hope Timmy rots in jail!" John was beside himself as we all were. I can't remember if I was crying at the time, but I probably was and all I could say is that Timmy needs his dad more than ever now. ”You've got to be there for him as hard as that might be."
It turned out, that after John calmed down, Timmy became his first priority.
John’s behavior was unpredictable. One time, when Allie was in the Intensive Care Unit at California Pacific Hospital in San Francisco and both families were there together, John bent over Allie who was just coming out of a coma, and whispered in her little ear, "Your daddy loves you very much."
That set Susan off. "Don't you come in here and tell her how much her daddy loves her! Are you crazy? Look what he did to her. This isn't how you show love!"
Whenever John and I have tried to talk, it hasn’t gone well. I’ve indulged myself in disrespectful sarcasm when I’ve thought him unreasonable.
One time, John called me to ask if I'd write to the judge and vouch for Timmy’s good character. “A few of his friends have faxed letters over telling the judge that Timmy is really a good man,” John told me. He asked me to tell the judge that I thought Timmy was a good boy.
I said, "Let me see. He got my daughter pregnant and then left town and we never heard from him. Then when he was back in town and Allie was born, we saw him once and he wouldn't look me in the eye. (Granted, I probably couldn't look me in the eye either.) But after he saw Allie and met Susan and I, he left town again. I just don't think I can say that he's made any kind of a good impression on me."
"But your daughter was in love with him," John pleaded.
"That doesn't mean I think he's a good guy and Charity's judgment at the time wasn’t necessarily state of the art," I said. "I think you're barking up the wrong tree. There is no part of me that has ever had a good experience with your son."
Although one time he did wear a Ramones t-shirt over to the house and I do like that band. I'm not totally without grace. I'd have written them a good character reference.
I hope you, dear reader, understand that during this time, I failed often in my character. I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to write about my failures here on this blog, but I will find a way to write about it my book. The bottom line is that during this difficult time, I looked for relief in places that are regretful and I would counsel others not to go to. My own behavior during this time was not state of the art. Crisis is said to bring out the best in people. And I believe that to be the truth. But crisis also brings out the darkest side of people.
Crisis makes people more difficult, if not impossible, to communicate with. You’re constantly walking on egg shells. You never know how much more one can take before you set him off.
I believe that Timmy lived in a constant state of crisis since before he met Charity. That state of crisis climaxed in the violence inflicted on Allie. So it’s no wonder he was timid about fessing up to making some life altering mistakes.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

You never know where it’s going

I worked on my Allie story tonight. It’s been since last Monday that I’ve been able to sit down and work on this book. I only have a couple of hours every other night. Wednesday I had to some work for work after Susan put Allie to bed and Friday night I was in Orlando.

Tonight I put my butt in a chair and wrote. I had no idea that the story was going to go where it went when I sat down. I actually had no idea what I was going to write about tonight. I looked at my outline, and just took a stab at Chapter two “the pregnancy,” but I wrote very little about the pregnancy except the part about Charity calling us up and telling us she was pregnant.

I had a conversation with a friend this week about the difficulties that come with being the parent of adult children. It’s not something I’ve really thought about much before, but the conversation is still echoing in my ears. I just thought that being the parent of a grown up kid is just part of being a parent. And parenting our disabled little girl is much more challenging than it was to parent our now adult children when they were Allie’s age. Susan and I are always thinking about how easy they were compared to what it takes to parent Allie. But my friend’s perspective is so accurate. Parenting our grown up kids is much more worrying and challenging than parenting the same people as children.
So between parenting Allie and my two adult children, parenthood has become much more challenging.

Here’s a taste of what’s in the draft I wrote tonight:
After Timmy moved to San Francisco, Charity wanted to just show up at his parents' house with Allie and say, "here's your granddaughter! Surprise?" His parents didn’t know there was a pregnancy. 

I told Charity that I thought it was a bad idea. For some reason Timmy didn't feel that his family was a safe place to talk about Allie. He had moved out of town after Charity was pregnant. He was back in town after Allie was born, but he didn’t tell his parents then, either. I made the assumption and made a case to Charity that Timmy didn't feel safe communicating about his choices or their consequences. 
Contrast that with how Charity told us about her pregnancy. Only a few hours had passed from the time she knew for sure until the time she told us. She did not put it off until after she was showing. She took a pregnancy test – actually,  she took four of them, and, when they came up positive – she told us. 

I proud of her for that. I was not happy with the news that she was pregnant out of wedlock. But as time went on, I really warmed up to the idea of being a grandpa although I was way to young, in my opinion. I was only 40 for about two weeks when she made the big announcement.  

On Halloween, approximately one year after she announced her pregnancy, Charity dressed Allie in a teddy bear suit and drove to Timmy's parent's apartment. John, Allie's paternal grandfather opened the door. The way John tells the story, he took one look at Allie and knew right away that this was his son's little baby. Allie looked like Timmy did when he was a baby. 
John piled Allie and Charity into the car and drove them to see Ruth, Timmy's mother. John and Ruth were very excited to have a granddaughter and immediately became involved in Allie's life. 
Timmy and Charity were talking regularly at the although Charity never told Timmy her plan to tell his parent's about Allie. While John and Allie and Charity were in the car together. Charity's phone rang. The phone's screen indicated that caller. 
"It's Timmy," Charity told John. 
"May I answer it?" John asked Charity 
Charity gave him the phone. 
"Hello, Timmy. I’m here with Charity and Allie."

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

What's the most confusing thing about being the parent of a disabled child?

I’ve done some reading around the Internet about being the parent of a disabled child. It can be confusing. Behavior can be quite graceless.

We believe in the Grace of God; God’s unmerited favor. That’s how a good biblical, protestant, Christian believes here in America. Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

Yet we work really hard to make God happy. Maybe you don’t but I do. For some reason, I believe the law of sowing and reaping has way more clout than the law of Grace.

I know. I’m not supposed to say things like that and typically I don’t – out loud. But I sure live like I believe that if I’m good then good stuff will happen to me. And if I watch your life for very long, I’d see evidence that you live the same way.

I live like I believe in karma. That won’t come out in a conversation with me about the Bible or our faith or how we come to know Jesus as Savior, but watch how I live and you’ll see me living like karma was law rather than Grace.

So when you become the parent of a disabled child, no matter what the process, you’re shocked that God would let it go down the way it does. For us, our granddaughter was abused and the state gave her to my wife and I to adopt. For others, they find out during pregnancy or at the birth of their child that the little one is disabled. You never behave better than when there’s a baby on the way. Where’s the grace in a little child being hurt or being born severely less than perfect.

Karma makes so much more sense. Somewhere along the line you were bad and this is what you deserve.

This is the context of the conversation I had with Susan the other day as we were working through some of these questions we want to air out in the book we’re working on.

Bryon: What’s the most confusing thing about being the parent of a disabled child?

Susan: I don’t think I’m confused.

Bryon: What I mean about confusing is it's, like, you're living your life and you think God's got your back and then bam you're the parent of a disabled child. You think you're doing everything right. Then God lets this happen to you.

Susan: What's the most confusing thing?

Bryon: in your Christian or you theological world. You think you're being good so good things should happen. If you do bad, then you get punished. So are you being punished for something you did?

Susan: I don't think I'm being punished for something I did bad. I think of this: all my life raising my kids, Charity and Aaron when they were little, whenever they had a pet, they would always not take care of it, and I'd have to take over. So it became a joke. “Oh, mom has to take over everything because we aren't doing our job” and I guess it feels the same way with Allie. Charity wasn't doing the job she needed to do and I had to take over and start raising my disabled granddaughter. I feel like I kind of reaped what I've sown because all my life I've done this for my kids and I'm still cleaning up their messes.

I guess I get confused sometimes because I ask why did God let this happen. But then I'm reminded I don't see the big picture. And then I think about all the lives Allie has touched.

I think of all the doctors and nurses and all the other people we've met as we take care of and love Allie. Her testimony has touched so many lives. But not knowing the big picture is still confusing to me. Because I don't know where all this is going and why. But I'm learning that you just have to press on and deal with it.

[The other day, a wonderful couple left a comments on this blog and on Facebook encouraging us to get it all out there and write this book because what we've done by adopting Allie has helped to encourage them to become foster parents and to adopt little kids being raised in marginal situations. They, too, have questions about why God would let such things happen, but even while they're asking the questions, they doing something to change a little kid's story --- thanks for the input, Ray and Nancy]

My wife is my hero.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

How do you deal with grief now?

I interviewed Susan from the list of questions in the post from a couple of days ago. We didn’t get very far down the list. We were driving to Susan’s parent’s house in Vero Beach and I thought we’d be able to knock this thing out while Allie watched a video and we talked into a voice recorder. But the talking really took a toll on us emotionally and we only got through about five questions.
I made five separate mp3 recordings – one for each question. As I started transcribing the discussion, I deleted the first mp3 recording of the first question about one minute into it. I got the first few sentences, though.
Then I fully transcribed this question: How do you deal with grief now? Here’s a sample of how that discussion went so you can see some of the building blocks for this book.
Susan: I don't know how I deal with grief now.
Bryon: Does Ben and Jerry's ice cream play a role?
Susan: Potato chips definitely do. Comfort foods do, but, over the past couple of years, I've been trying to eat really healthy. When I feel sad, I go out and take my sister shopping. We go for coffee. We relax. I try and sidetrack myself. But I guess I'm not really grieving. I'm just stuffing the grief down.
Bryon: Are you stuffing the grief down or is this just a part of the healing?
Susan: I think I'm still healing. Like I’ve heard you say: grief comes in waves. When I'm grieving, I don't want to think about certain people. It keeps the wound open.
Bryon: Timmy's out of jail now.
Susan: Timmy's out of jail. You go on his Facebook and he's having fun. He's at the fair. He's out partying with his friends. He has his life back. Allie will never get her life back. Him being out of prison is opening up a whole new area of grief.
Bryon: Is it grief or anger?
Susan: It's sadness and anger. Bitterness. Like, why does he get to live his life? He'll get married. He might have more kids. Allie doesn't have that option. Her disability is for life. It's not something she's going to recover from. And, yet, after his three years parole, he's scot free.
Bryon: How come you can't just forgive him. And forget?
Susan: I have forgiven him.
Bryon: Even though he hasn't asked for it?
Susan: Even though he hasn't asked for it. I’ve forgiven him because I think that was the first step in healing for me. But you can never forget.
Bryon: So "forgive and forget" isn't even a real thing?
Susan: No. I think you can forgive somebody, but you don't have to forget what they did. You can't forget. I can't forget what he did to Allie. Everyday Allie is a constant reminder of what he did.
That’s just a taste of the discussion we had in the car yesterday to write content for this book.
If this is your first time on this blog and you have no idea what this is all about, read Allie’s story here.

Friday, February 08, 2013

Your input

I'm actually working on this book every day. Every day I'm doing something to move this book forward. And I've decided to do it in public rather than in private. And I'm enlisting your help.

Here's a comment I received from one person on my post from day before yesterday.
AnonymousKaren Ras said... "Glad you're writing this. Even if there are other books on the same topic out there, we can always learn from the different circumstances and varied solutions. Please write truthfully about the real stress a handicapped child puts on a marriage, and how you work on that every day.
Much love and best wishes."
This was great advice and something I will take seriously.

Tomorrow, the Charming and Beautiful Susan, Allie, and I will drive an hour and a half North to see Susan's folks. I've prepared a list of questions to ask and discuss on the way up. I'll record the conversation and use it in the book. The topic of the questions will revolve around what Karen had suggested: "Please write truthfully about the real stress a handicapped child puts on a marriage, and how you work on that every day." Good stuff, Karen.

Here are the questions I've prepared:

grief.
  1. How long did the worst of your grief last?
  2. How do you deal with grief now?
  3. Do you feel like you deal with it well?
  4. How could you deal with grief better?
confusion.
  1. what is the most confusing thing about being the parent of a disabled child?
  2. what is the most confusing thing about parenting our particular disabled child?
typical.
  1. how do you feel when you see a "normal" child?
  2. when your ordeal first began, how did you deal with seeing normal kids?
  3. has normal been redefined for you?
  4. what is your new definition of normal?
playground.
  1. what happens when you meet other parents at a playground?
  2. how does Allie do at the playground?
  3. what are you able to do with Allie at the playground?
  4. how has going to a nearby playground become therapeutic bonding experience for you?
bitterness.
  1. do you ever feel bitter?
  2. what about?
  3. how deep does it go?
  4. do you think it's permanent or is it something  you'll eventually be able to work through?
  5. how will you work through it?
easy.
  1. do you have an easy life?
  2. do you think others have it easier than you?
  3. do you think it will ever be easier?
  4. has it gotten easier?
help.
  1. do you get enough help?
  2. who helps you the most?
  3. who do you wish helped more?
  4. do you think your expectations of people are too high?
pain.
  1. what is most painful about life?
  2. does your pain have a purpose?
isolation.
  1. do you feel isolated?
  2. is this something that you've done to yourself or is it something that's happened to you?
  3. do you think you'll always feel isolated or is this just a season you're passing through?
solace.
  1. where do you get relief?
  2. have you always sought out healthy relief?
  3. has seeking peace taken you off course?
  4. do you find solace in your relationship with Jesus?
  5. what verse or verses of the Bible bring you peace and solace?
faith.
  1. does having a special needs child help or hurt your faith?
  2. what do others say about your faith?
  3. do you feel like you live up to what people say about you?
  4. how do you share your faith?
love.
  1. how has your love changed or grown?
  2. how do you know God loves you?
  3. has your capacity to love grown or diminished?
  4. is it harder or easier to love your neighbor now?
What would you contribute to this list. Share your thoughts with me in the comments. If you want to know, someone else probably will want to know, too.

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Book Outline

I’m amazed by how many of my friends are writing books. Actual books. People I know are doing this.
And I’ve been working through the disciplines of writing a book although failing miserably. Between distractions and a serious lack of discipline, I’ve just had a really hard time starting.
But 2013 is going to be different. I’ve been working diligently. I read recently in a book about writing books (reading books about writing makes you feel like you’re making actual progress whether you are or aren’t) that you should write publicly just for the accountability. So I’m going to give that a try. I’m going to post about my progress and even invite my friends to read, and give editing suggestions. And look for a kick-starter type page to go up sometime this year as I make more progress because I’m going to have to hire an editor and I don’t have any money.
The book I want to write will be a memoir of adopting a child that has been severely abused (do you know of any books like that that I’ll be competing with? Send me a link if so).
Here’s the outline I plan to work from. It’s only the top level since the details are rough and I’m embarrassed to share them. That will come as I flesh out rough drafts.

Allie Book Outline

  • the call

  • the pregnancy

  • Shaken Baby Syndrome

  • The Ride in the Ambulance

  • The arrival

  • The Confession

  • The arrest

  • Dazed and Confused

  • Getting ready to go

  • Cerebral Palsy

  • My arrival in SFO

  • Ruth

  • My arrival at the hospital

  • Child Protective Services

  • How could God let this happen?

  • God comes through in Crisis

  • Still on the breathing machine

  • Susan Arrives

  • Coming out of a coma

  • Prayer Life in atrophy

  • Something Deeper

  • Released from the hospital

  • I'm leaving

  • Living Sacrifice

  • Homeless, suicidal

  • Aaron

  • Abandoned

  • Back in Florida

  • Life with a special needs kid

  • Timmy

  • Redemptive chain reaction

Many of you know our story. What else do I need to write about?

Mystery of the Gospel–Follow up

I noticed that Kimball’s book is only $0.99 if you get the Kindle version on Amazon. I don’t know how Trip can make any money from this, but you sure can get a deal.

mysteryofgospel

Monday, February 04, 2013

Book Review: The Mystery of the Gospel - Unraveling God’s Story

By Trip Kimball
Westbow, Bloomington, 2012
223 pages

Trip Kimball is passionate about the Good News of Jesus Christ. He's made it his mission in life to speak about the truth of the gospel and live out loud the transformative freedom the gospel message brings. He does this by subtracting the religious jargon that pollutes the message while intentionally preserving reverence and awe of God. And Trip genuinely loves people.

I know this about Kimball first hand because he is a friend and a mentor. He is a missionary big brother to me who, in our first meeting at a dinner one night in St. Petersburg, Florida, he shared, passionately, a heart to be a thinking man with brain completely engaged with making the gospel clear to whoever God brings into his life to share it with whether across the street or on the other side of the planet.

This is clear in his life and he articulates his heart and his mission clearly in his book The Mystery of the Gospel - Unraveling God's Story.

Kimball does some cool stuff with this book. It's neatly divided into 12 chapters that make accessible the different features of the gospel without complication.

Pull quotes are distributed throughout the book and they work well as points of reference or markers for the reader as different topics and questions are dealt with.

My favorite chapter in the book is chapter 8, The Emmaus Road Encounter. If you're familiar with the New Testament, then you know that this is where Jesus keeps his post resurrection identity from two guys he joins on the road to travel with. They're strangers to Jesus and Jesus is content to come off as a stranger to them. If you don't know the story, get this book and read about how un-religious Jesus is as He presents Himself to the people He's come to save. He has fun messing with them as He explains Himself and His mission. Classic Jesus.

"Were not our hearts burning within us while He talked to us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us," they exclaimed. Kimball quotes Luke 24:32 appropriately as he describes from the Bible what actually happens in our hearts as we hear - or for that matter share - truth from God's Word about Jesus. This experience changes both the messenger and the audience. That's how powerful this gospel is and that's what Kimball explains in his book.

Kimball wraps up with the section entitled "Unraveling the Gospel for Others." Kmball's book isn't about simply explaining the gospel so you have some kind of working knowledge of its construction. This book is about equipping you, the reader, with necessary tools along with the skill and confidence you need to bring change into the lives God has given you to influence.

Finally, I love the appendix. It includes biblical terms and - I love this -  "Christianese". I wish that I didn't know these Christianese terms so well. Sadly, none of the terms seem strange or unfamiliar to me. I fear these terms come to me too easily and I’m challenged to clean up my language so the gospel makes sense to those unfamiliar with the Bible or have not had a reason to go to church.

This book is a must have manual for understanding the gospel and sharing it clearly. Buy your copy here.

Saturday, February 02, 2013

Book Review: 11/22/63

Stephen King is the master of “Show, don’t tell.” Ten years have past since the last time I read Stephen King. The last book I read from King was his book On Writing, which, if you are a writer, this is a must read.

It’s been at least twenty years since I’ve read any fiction from King. That’s not an exaggeration. I tried to read the sequel to The Talisman called Black House, a collaboration between him and Peter Straub, but it was just too weird.

I don’t read fiction, usually, but I’ve been in the mood lately and 11/22/63 did not disappoint. Take the plotlines from to Back to the Future, JFK, and Mad Men, smoosh them all together, and then kneed in King’s off-centered brilliance, and you have a great story that keeps you sneaking peeks at your desk and stop lights and other authorized and unauthorized reading nooks for about 800 pages or so.

Here’s the gist: the main character, Jake, a school teacher with an estranged wife and, basically, no life, is challenged by an old guy that was in decent health 24 hours earlier, but has suddenly aged about thirty years and is at death’s door dying of cancer (there’s a clue, Jake), to go into the past and save JFK from a head on collision with a piece of lead courtesy of Lee Harvey Oswald.

Jake goes into the past and learns that the past does not want to be changed. That’s where most of Jake’s many problems come from – the past is obdurate. Here’s the thing, if you go into the past and change something, it affects the present/future. But if you come back and the go back into the past, the past resets itself. So now you gotta make the changes all over again. Does that hurt your head to think about? Read the book. King’s freaky story telling is strangely soothing.