Saturday, July 19, 2008

How to Avoid an A$$ Whoopin'

Ten Ways to Avoid a Good Southern A$$ Whuppin... Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, North easterners, North westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites:

  1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your a$$.
  2. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we'll HAVE to kick your a$$.
  3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a rip whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an a$$ kicking.
  4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll whoop your a$$.
  5. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your a$$.
  6. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is so shut up. Just spend your money and get out of here, or we'll kick your a$$.
  7. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits and gravy like God intended and shut up. Also don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your a$$.
  8. Don't fake a Southern accent or we will kick you a$$.
  9. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited your Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your a$$ on home before it gets kicked; and you become a$$less.
  10. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your a$$ shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and that will lead to an all day a$$ whoopin!

8 comments:

MWest said...

One more -
Don't honk your horn at us because you're in such a hurry. We like to take life slow and savor it. Honk at us and we'll get out and kick your a$$.

Bryon Mondok said...

mike... lol

Anonymous said...

Don't tell us "ain't is not a word" because after we correct your incorrect grammar by telling you, "don't you mean ain't ain't a word," we'll then proceed to kick your a$$.

Vicki Small said...

:o) Sounds like a good reason to stay home!

bryan.stupar said...

now thats funny!!!

Kushmama said...

don't forget, sweet tea is a staple...please don't ask for unsweetened tea with splenda!

Bryon Mondok said...

we have some great contributions to this list! keep 'em comin' or i'll kick your a$$.

Bryon Mondok said...

i crack myself up :)