"Not today," was my honest answer. "Not right now. But I have my moments."
I remember in the past people telling me that they were mad at God. I always thought this was a shallow, spoiled brat attitude to have toward the One that's provided everything you need for life material, spiritual, and eternal. But I feel different now. Actually, I probably always have had disappointment with God over not getting things my way, but I never admitted it for fear of appearing unspiritual. Now I don't care. Through this Allie crisis, I've learned that I'm the most unspiritual guy I know and if you don't like it - well, I don't know what to tell you. My relationship with God is different now. I don't know if it's better or worse, but it's different. I can't rely on all the rules and theology that helped me keep things in order; explainable. I can't figure God out right now and that makes me mad at times. More now than ever. But I think that's what happens in a relationship especially when one of the parties has incomplete understanding, faith or trust. One finds oneself frustrated with the Other.
So my conversation with my buddy turned to the topic of Job. I don't know if it was me or him that took the talk in that direction, but I remember talking about Job questioning God. I told my buddy that I wrote about questioning God a few posts ago. Job asked God a bunch of questions and God answered a bunch of questions that Job didn't ask (see Job 38). And I feel God answered different questions to me, too. I asked why did You let this happen to me, God?
I asked that then and I'm still asking it because I haven't heard the answer yet.
But God decided to answer a questions I never asked. I never asked Him if I could love a baby so much. He's shown me that I can love more than I ever thought I could.
And I never asked Him if I had a strong marriage. Though rocky at times, He's shown me that I'm married to an amazing woman and that our marriage can survive the worse tragedy imaginable.
God showing us these things in the here and now gives us faith for the future.
I told my buddy about another conversation I had with my friend Joyce. Joyce has been a spiritual mother to me for the past fourteen years. She always has something encouraging and loving to say to me no matter what I'm going through or set my mind to do. She also challenges me, when I need it, to think things all the way through. She shared a story about a man she knew that had two amazing boys. They were athletic, smart, godly young men. He felt he had done everything right raising these two guys. Then a third child came. This child was oxygen deprived at birth and suffered major defects. The challenges that came with raising this third child were overwhelming.
One day, the father was out on his patio yelling at God and asking Him why He would bring this on the family. "What did I do wrong?" was the man's angry question for God.
The father sensed in his spirit that God gave him this answer: "You didn't do anything wrong. I gave this little one because I trust you with him."
I trust you.
I can't begin to tell you how much this ministered to me.
I trust you.
I didn't ask any questions that would earn this answer. But I'll take it.
Now I'm praying that I'll live up to the trust He's extended and make Him proud.